22nd September 2023

Shocking Porter’s Log investigation reveals only 49.6% of porters are called Steve


The Porter’s Log can exclusively reveal that Cambridge suffers from a scandalously under-appreciated diversity problem.

Our investigation, which took more than half an hour, has uncovered a litany of damning statistics which demonstrate just how far behind the times the university remains.

The groundbreaking study found that only 49.6% of porters are called Steve, and that the Tab editorial team is less than 50% women if you exclude women who are women. We also found that the number of Jameses in the student population has been declining at an alarming rate.

A spokesperson for Asda suggested the city was “institutionally biased” after the investigation revealed that more than 90% of undergrads shop at Sainsbury’s. One of the most incriminating findings showed that 51.2% of the wine students drink is white, a problem which requires immediate remediation. The head of Trinity Hall college cellars, Professor Wilfred Hawthorne-Mimsy, vowed to take action by investing the money divested from arms into a late 19th century pinot noir.

Ten out of thirty one colleges have names related to Christianity, and yet none to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster – a disgraceful underrepresentation. Additionally, Sidney Sussex remains the only college with both an X in its name and my ex in it.