Following a spate of criticism concerning its access policy, the University of Cambridge has announced plans to open a new College for ‘immature students’.
The College, which will be open to students aged six and below, will offer a wide range of degree courses, including Running Without Falling Over and the Brushing Your Own Teeth Tripos.
“The University is constantly trying to break down the barriers to a Cambridge education,” said the University’s Canadian Vice-Chancellor, Stephen Toope. “We currently take on students from the restrictive 18-plus age range, and this change will bring an end to the underrepresentation of the 3-6 years demographic at the University.
“These new students are going to be an asset to the Cambridge community. In terms of maturity and common sense, young children are no less developed than the average student.
“Also, they already get up early, so are poised to be fantastic rowers.”
Parents of prospective applicants have been assured that their children’s age will not prevent them from enjoying the full Cambridge experience. Formals will begin at 5pm, serving high-quality food including cocktail sausages and party rings, with students either bringing their own Capri-Sun pouches and paying corkage or purchase squash directly from the college bar. In addition, special gowns have been produced which are stain-proof, easy to machine wash, and intended to be reversed and used as a bib when eating.
The College’s accommodation includes tricycle racks, as well as gyp rooms equipped with a range of plastic cooking equipment. The newly-appointed librarians, meanwhile, are looking into ordering illustrated copies of Hobbes’ Leviathan and the works of Karl Marx.
Student newspaper The Tab has reportedly welcomed the news, noting that an influx of four-year-old writers is likely deliver a considerable rise in its journalistic standards.