22nd September 2023

Zero Carbon activists grapple with concept of enjoying themselves in February heatwave


As Cambridge basks in a February heatwave, climate change activists have found themselves grappling with the concept of enjoying the weather despite it providing a worrying sign of the state of our planet.

Hard-line climate activist and Zero Carbon leader, Tabitha Forsyth-Karma, who has spent the past term demanding Cambridge Colleges cease to use any electricity or heating, has been struggling to cope as her moral integrity is questioned by the agreeable weather.

Spotted sobbing in a beer garden, the concept of enjoying herself while the planet implodes continues to frustrate her.

“We’ve had to reschedule our climate justice protest today because someone suggested a BBQ down at Grantchester,” she admitted. “I’m having so much fun right now, it’s really got me thinking: maybe climate change isn’t all that bad?”

Marcus Atherton, another member of the Zero Carbon Society, has meanwhile disregarded the notion of protecting the planet altogether, and founded a rival society, called the ‘One-Hundred Carbon Society’.

“We’ve got it all wrong,” declared the reformed student. “Which is why I’ve launched the One-Hundred Carbon Society. We are demanding that colleges direct 100% of their investment portfolios into the fossil fuel sector.

“We also wouldn’t be averse to investment in Palm Oil and even nuclear energy. I hear nuclear fallout could raise local temperatures by a few degrees. It might even make March a whole month of permanent blinding sunlight. Bring on the heat!

A University spokesperson, speaking from a sun lounger outside the Senate House, welcomed the developments.

“This winter heatwave is great news for the University, and especially for our Divestment Working Group.

“The members of the working group, cold-blooded and reptilian as they are, are saving hundreds of pounds by virtue of the fact that they no longer have to spend six hours a day basking under heat lamps.”

“Admittedly, the Vice-Chancellor is finding it difficult, and is pining for the colder climes of his native Canada, but for the rest of us, it’s win-win.”