theporterslog@gmail.com
29th June 2022

Clare College Rent Strikers negotiate 100% off next year’s rent

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Correction: We have taken the independent decision to retract all reference to Stephen Toope and his frequent phone calls and dinner parties.

Clare College, a normally friendly and welcoming college suffering only occasional bouts of homophobia, has this week been plunged into the headlines as members of the Clare College Rent Strike achieved all their aims, and more.

The Rent Strike campaign was set up with the aim of reducing rent for students by 30% for the next academic year, however, the members of the campaign far surpassed this measly target, achieving a full 100% reduction in their rent for next year.

This impressive feat was met through removing the right to live in college from all participating college members. Apparently, when students walked out of their rooms to set up a “parade of protest” in Memorial Court, Porters went into their rooms and simply changed the locks. The strikers were summarily informed by Clare College that if they didn’t want to pay rent, they wouldn’t be allowed back. It is understood that many of the students on strike had recently failed an engineering exam due to a poor understanding of leverage.

Speaking to Marcus Atherton, a leading member of the Rent Strike campaign and future Conservative MP for Witney, had this to say; “Well obviously this is a tremendous success and everyone at the Rent Strike campaign is overjoyed. There is the slight snag that we won’t have anywhere to live next year, but this is a minor speed bump on the road to reducing rent for all students at Clare.”

Other students have been less sanguine about the move from college. “They should have been Clare-voyant and seen this coming as a result of their actions” said one student who didn’t wish to be named for this article, but let’s be honest, you can tell that they’re in the Impronauts.