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29th June 2022

Girton Spring Ball 2021 theme announced as ‘Hindsight’

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The Girton Spring Ball Committee have announced that the theme of this year’s ball is ‘Hindsight’.

Believed to be a nod to last year’s bash, which controversially went ahead despite mounting concerns over Covid-19, the ball is currently the subject of a Panorama documentary seeking to lift the lid on the controversial event.

Amongst the famous interviewees set to appear is Billy McFarland, the founder of the fraudulent luxury event Fyre Festival, who said he was “impressed by the audacity of the committee” and that he hoped to work alongside them in future.

To inspire public confidence, Girton is reportedly offering influencers and ex-Love Island stars a free luxury stay, hoping to encourage the student population to purchase tickets in an attempt to emulate their hero Kem Cetinay, recently ejected from Dubai.

Following the announcement, an anonymous Westminster source remarked the government had also been basing its decisions around a theme of hindsight.

Girton’s theme reveal follows the news that Queen’s May Ball has been cancelled. The Queen’s committee is believed to be holding crisis talks in the hope of salvaging the event, including briefings with Rita Ora, an expert hosting large scale events during pandemic restrictions. Ora has recently been sighted inspecting college CCTV cameras and reportedly offered the college £5,000 to host her ‘Half-Birthday Party’. 

A statement from the May Ball Presidents’ Committee earlier this week announced that ‘tentative plans’ were being made for smaller, college-only May Week events. The committee is exploring a number of eventualities in light of the rapidly changing situation, including plans to register May Ball sites as ‘vaccine centres’ to divert suspicion away from the large gatherings. 

The idea of £300 college-only May Week events has also been floated, likely to be modelled on primary school discos. In this instance, familiar May Ball entertainments such as bumper cars, bands and silent discos will be replaced with a balding middle aged man in a Hawaiian shirt playing ‘Dynamite’, ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ and the ‘Cha Cha Slide’ from some cheap decks on a fold-out table. Boys and girls will reportedly remain at opposite ends of the room until ‘Crank That (Souja Boy)’ is played, whilst VIPS are entitled to extra glow sticks. Refreshments are likely to include sherbet sticks, Toxic Waste and a Fruit Shoot luge. 

The continuing restrictions bode well for Robinson May Ball, which has reportedly achieved its best ticket sales to date (four). This guaranteed social distancing has helped make it the bookies’ favourite for the likeliest event to actually occur. Indeed, rumours are circulating that other colleges only cancelled their own events in solidarity with Robinson’s poor ticket sales, before being blindsided by Robinson’s plans to go ahead with their event.