21st July 2024

A letter from the new owner of Newcastle United FC

Dear all,
Footie’s gannin yem to the Toon! Wey aye man, am Prince Mohammed bin Salman (Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Chairman of the Council of Political and Security Affairs, mortal gadgie) and am clamming for a Premier League. Some nebby wazzocks howking at my human-rights record when am busting for a Kylian Mcrappé – haddaway, ye micey! No more games with nowt shots on target, pet: I’ve been practising on the hospitals of Yemen. Guardiola’s gannin’s proper radgie, like! The doylems in defence will get wrang if they give away owt more penalties: no hands, no handballs. Dee as ya telt, man, or I’ll fettle ye!
Yours sincerely,
Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia
Owner, Newcastle United Football Club