17th June 2024

The Plague readmitted to Trinity Hall after serving sentence for historic offences


Trinity Hall has today announced that it will readmit the Bubonic Plague to the college following an extended period of probation.

‘The last outbreak of the Great Plague occurred in 1665,’ said the Master of Trinity Hall in a statement explaining the decision. ‘In the five hundred years since, it has conducted itself with impeccable decorum and become a real lynchpin of the community. We are confident that it has learned its lesson and can be safely reintegrated into college life.’

As part of its rehabilitation following a string of previous misdemeanours, the Plague has attended a course organised by the World Health Organisation. It now claims that, as a result, it has a much greater awareness of its ‘toxic’ effect on people and how it can approach relationships in a less invasive manner.

Student reaction to the disease’s reinstatement has been mixed. Some have welcomed the idea of infection as an excellent extra-curricular alternative to watching a Union debate, while boaties remain concerned about the possibility that a premature death might affect their erg time. The college has been quick to allay any worries, however, stating that the Plague will not be permitted to interact with students – it will instead only exercise its unique dining privileges as stipulated within the terms of its Emeritus fellowship.

Trinity Hall is also looking at readmitting several other antiquated concepts back into college life. Following the decision to readmit several undergraduates previously part of the Crescents drinking society, the college has also pledged to bring back witch trials, gladiatorial combat, and the feudal system in a series of sweeping changes that aim to firmly quash the ludicrous notion that the college might be progressing into the twenty-first century.

Naturally, whilst Trinity Hall’s declaration has received an unprecedented level of media coverage, it has yet again been outstripped by its neighbour, Trinity College, who, in an ‘unrelated’ event, unveiled Anthrax as the new recipient of a visiting fellowship.