In a desperate attempt to present itself as something other than a wannabe tabloid rag dependent on clickbaity, quasi-pornographic drivel to attract readers, the Tab has launched a new ‘Elf on the Shelf’ competition to replace its infamous ‘Best Bums’ feature.
The decision has sparked outrage among Cambridge students. As second year HSPS student Marcus Atherton puts it: “The only arses I’ll be able to view online now are my lecturers. I’m furious.”
Another proud Best Bums devotee, Tara Lamp, was devastated at the news. “I was so looking forward to stripping off on a punt at 5am for ‘clout’. What am I supposed to do now? Make a difference to society? Actually be likeable? Fuck that.”
As always, The Porter’s Log has you covered. Though certain restrictions prevent us from accepting nude photographs (i.e. I’m typing this on my Mum’s computer and she wants it back in 20 minutes to look up the recipe for Jamie’s paella), we can promise the next best thing.
That’s right. Our Best Thumbs competition will be returning in 2021, after a year-long hiatus due to the pandemic and our ongoing legal battle with Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur.
What is it we’re looking for, I hear you ask? Well, as a general rule of ‘thumb’, we want you to send in your best thumb pics, ideally with a well-known Cambridge landmark or venue in the background. Please send any entries to email@example.com, and the best submissions will be featured in a top 10 article to be released at some point between now and the end of time.
Stuck for inspiration? Take a look at some entries from previous years to get those creative juices flowing.
You know what they say about long thumbs?
I don’t know, do you? That’s why I asked the question, duh.
Ah yes, Girl with a Pearl Earring, that famous painting by Andy Warhol.
This statue appears to be about to start flossing. Other than that, nothing too untoward in this picture.
Somebody really fucking loves maths.
So there you have it! Remember to send your entries to firstname.lastname@example.org. Other than that, enjoy the sudden emergence of the Omicron variant, the continuing supply chain crisis, and the planet’s rapid descent into climate ruin.