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17th June 2024

Cambridge Secret Student Union mandates all walls to be replaced with glass ‘for transparency’

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Following the vote on a university shift to plant-based products, Cambridge students were left shocked upon discovering the Student Council do, in fact, exist. Now, the Cambridge Secret Student Union (CCSU) has come under controversy for their ‘extremely strong mandate for colleges to begin transitioning to 100% glass to ensure transparency in the University’.

In a vote during their February Equinox meeting, the CSSU approved the notion unanimously following a two-minute debate with interval, complete with plant-based ice cream. One anonymous and robed figure said on the matter: ‘too much of University and college proceedings take place in a manner inaccessible for the majority of students. We hope this move will make it clear to everyone that there will be no more secrets, and we can see through any proposals with as much clarity as needed. ’.

The CCSU is an anonymous group of superdelegates elected from various JCRs, drinking societies, and members of the Colouring Book Appreciation Club who meet on Midsummer Common at midnight to discuss the most important matters for the university. Membership is highly secretive, although The Porter’s Log have received a scoop on the initiation and meeting process. Marcus Atherton, who wishes to remain anonymous, told the PLog that he ‘can’t say much, but it involves a runestone, bloodletting, an elderly goat, and a six pack of Stella’. The decisions of this body hold a university-wide mandate, with tasks such as making sure all students have at least one lecture clash, buying large numbers of club tickets and not attending, and overseeing the Sports Service – Student Club relations.

The glass mandate will not only affect faculty buildings, staff offices and administrative bodies but also extend to college accommodation, bathrooms and light-sensitive photography development rooms. ‘We want to make sure everyone can see what is going on in Cambridge’ said the Herald of the Union in a press release, ‘and to do this we can’t just write policies about openness: we have to put it into action’. The mandate is also a move for ‘no more glass ceilings at the University, or walls or floors for that matter – but in a metaphorical sense. Oh yeah – you bet they’re all going to be glass’. As of yet, the CSSU is yet to consult with an engineer.

We reached out to several societies for comment on the mandate, but have only received two responses. The Cambridge University Voyeurs Society were crystal clear in their approval, having what sounded over the phone like a party, and the Cambridge Housing Stonethrowers have voiced approval over their future. One member said ‘all these glass houses bode well. You know what they say about throwing stones – it’s great fun!’

The CSSU were unavailable for comment at the time of writing, only sending us on a rather opaque statement.

 

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