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27th November 2022

Cambridge SU calls to ‘Defund the Porter Force’ after Toope allocates £16bn to defence

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The Cambridge SU has announced it is launching a campaign to ‘Defund the Porters’, after the university administration announced a windfall for the college-based Porter Force.

The funding boost is the latest new measure from the university designed to protect students from the mysterious Overnight Guest, after sternly-worded emails proved surprisingly ineffective.

Stephen Toope, University Vice-Chancellor and avowed Canadian, explained the pay rise: “80% of the funding is going towards a Zoom seminar with Priti Patel to teach Porters about appropriate workplace conduct. The rest of the training is in-house: we send King’s Porters into the wild and let them lead by example. Students have been getting away with far too much. Playing loud music at 9pm? Someone needs a firm talking to, or both arms broken.”

A Student Union spokesperson condemned the creeping militarisation of the Porter Force, noting that the University has “cut lecturers’ wages, was unable to fund more bursaries and is letting my Pitt Club – ahem – the Pitt Club go under, but they’ve managed to find money to give Porters tasers? It’s a disgrace.”

The SU’s new campaign is designed to show how the union understands the needs of the student body, after a recent series of setbacks for the organisation including a record zero turnout at the recent NUS elections.

The student response to these new measures has been overwhelmingly negative. Marcus Atherton, a second year economist at King’s College who wished to remain anonymous, told the Porter’s Log: “Last night, a porter kicked my door down and waterboarded me to check I had hadn’t hidden the Overnight Guest. I was asleep! I can’t imagine what they’ll do once these new measures come in.”