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29th June 2022

Clare College celebrates success of inaugural ‘Philip Green Week’

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After ‘accidentally’ misinterpreting CUSU’s new Green Week initiative as a tribute to former BHS owner Philip Green, the Master of Clare College has nonetheless hailed his college’s commitment to the event.

‘It was brilliant to see that everyone was on board,’ he said, when finally tracked down to a villa just outside Monaco, ‘With the event, that is. They were certainly not on board my mega-punt, I can tell you that right now.’

The ‘mega-punt’ in question, a seven-storey vessel with an estimated cost of over £150,000,000, was just one of the many acquisitions the college made to celebrate the event. At the behest of the Master, the college has also stripped fellows of their knighthoods, abolished tuition fees for ‘Monaco residents’, and cancelled pensions for all staff members to mark the occasion.

Although the Master has stressed that scrapping pensions was ‘just for the week, I promise’, questions have arisen about the potential misallocation of funds during the week. The college insists it is still in perfectly sound financial health, but concerns have arisen amongst the fellows following a closing-down sale of college property. Rare items such as the college gong, the chapel’s silver, and the Head Porter were flying off the shelves for a fraction of their original price, in an event immensely popular amongst the student body.

Following the example of Jesus College, Clare also planned the release of a number of subsidised May Ball tickets; however, the plan faced concerns, particularly about access, when it was revealed these subsidies were being offered primarily to supermodels. The President of the May Ball, Marcus Atherton, was quick to dismiss these criticisms, saying ‘We have always championed access at Clare and thanks to these tickets more students will have access to supermodels than ever before’.

When asked about the low-profile nature of the event, the Master replied, ‘Well of course nobody knew about it. The entire project has been put under injunction.’

News of the injunction has brought CUSU to the verge of collapse. ‘We thought that Green Week was our chance to become relevant at last,’ said CUSU President Evie Aspinall. ‘But thanks to this blasted injunction, people will carry on simply not giving a shit.’