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27th November 2022

Complaints after Zero Carbon activists fail to do sufficient damage to Corpus Clock

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The Master of Corpus Christi has today condemned the Zero Carbon Society for failing to cause “permanent enough” damage to the clock.

After protestors painted climate justice slogans on the Corpus Clock last week, members of Corpus Christi College expressed regret that cleaners had managed to completely restore the clock to working order.

Speaking on behalf of the undergraduate body, JCR President Marcus Atherton denounced the use of easily removable chalk spray, and called upon protestors to find more long-lasting forms of destruction, including, but not limited to, real paint, bricks, pickaxes, sledgehammers, fire and explosives.

In a statement, the Master also invited student activists to cause more damage to the clock: “In order to encourage the protestors to return, we will be actively investing in fossil fuels, arms, animal testing, child labour, Vice-Chancellor bonus packages and other deplorable practices. We also run a nice sideline in the marketisation of higher education. There’s simply no way they can ignore us!”

However, some groups have reacted with dismay at calls for the clock’s demise. The city tourism office has expressed concerns that destroying the Corpus Clock would limit opportunities for tourists to cause severe disruption to traffic and pedestrians in Cambridge.

“The clock’s location at the junction between Bene’t Street and King’s Parade makes it ideally located for causing road traffic accidents. If tour groups can no longer stand there, we will be forced to ask more of them to step suddenly in front of cyclists on Silver Street Bridge.”

Meanwhile, Churchill JCR President Emily Milton denounced the Zero Carbon Society’s choice of ugly Cambridge landmark.

“This is yet another example of central college elitism.

“Here at Churchill we have been calling on student activists to destroy our buildings for many years now, but nobody ever listens.”