17th June 2024

David Attenborough Issues Extinction Warning for Drinking Societies after Witnessing C Sunday


David Attenborough has this morning expressed extreme concern for the future of drinking societies in Cambridge after experiencing the festivities of C Sunday.

Attenborough said: “There is a very real chance these indigenous societies will not be able to survive in this harsh modern world.”

Having woken up handcuffed to a park bench in a luminous green mankini, clutching an empty bottle of Smirnoff, he continued: “The next few years could be much like my memory of the last twenty-four hours, a hellish whirlwind of horror from which many will not emerge.”

In Cambridge filming for his latest Netflix wildlife documentary, ‘Sunday Life on Earth’, the veteran broadcaster was taking an in-depth look at the true extent of climate change and the world’s capacity to combat it. It has been rumoured that Louis Theroux was initially involved in the project, but amid legitimate fears for his safety, it is reported that he has turned his talents to a much less perilous project: a residential experience among the cannibalistic tribes of the Congo.

The camera crew arrived as the amassed herds descended upon the watering hole of Jesus Green, and initially kept their distance for the purpose of observation. ‘We quickly identified the superior members of the species,’ Attenborough notes. ‘Much like the Bactrian camel, they are capable of consuming large quantities of alcohol without exhibiting any of the associated side effects. Such specimens often join together in groups, known taxonomically as ‘Drinking Societies’.’

In a conference attended by celebrities and activists alike, Attenborough said, “We are standing now at a precipice. If we do not take action now, the majestic drinking societies will become a thing of the past. We must act if we are to save this precious group.”

Meanwhile, Trinity College have denied all involvement with the annual festivities. Their Dean announced, “It is beneath Trinity College to participate in C Sunday. Only an A or above will do for us.”

With the majority of Sunday’s revellers nursing their own ‘extinction crisis’, Jesus Green returned to normal on Monday morning. Cyclists can once again ring their bells passive-aggressively at inattentive tourists. Cambridge remains the same, for now.