21st February 2024

Dominic Cummings ‘finally facing his Waterloo’ after 250-mile trip to dance to Abba in parents’ garden


Dominic Cummings has this week taken a chance on Coronavirus after being spotted by neighbours grooving to a selection of Abba classics in his parents’ garden. 

“I heard him shout ‘Mam, I’m here,’ and thought ‘here we go again’”, one neighbour told the Porter’s Log, reporting on the Prime Minister’s chief advisor’s non-Machiavellian moves. “I wouldn’t mind him breaking quarantine and putting us all in danger, if it weren’t for the fact that his dancing was so bad.”

Cummings, it would seem, can’t dance, and he can’t jive. However, worse still, he made the journey to Durham with his wife, who has been sick and tired of everything since developing COVID-19 symptoms in late March. The advisor claims his actions were within government guidelines, but there is a sense of expectation hanging in the air over his future.

Some have sympathy for his actions. “We’re all missing Glitterbomb,” said Tara Lamp, 2nd year. “I’d probably go to Girton and back for the chance to sing along to Dancing Queen again.”

From Cummings himself there is no comment. He rebuffed reporters, saying “I don’t wanna talk about the things we’ve gone through,” although he still advises against being here to shake his hand, given the ongoing crisis.

Some within the Labour Party have called for his resignation, and the pressure is starting to get to the government advisor. One witness suggests that Cummings is walking through his parents’ house, tears in his eyes. Is this where his story ends? Is this goodbye? It seems unlikely, as Boris Johnson really knows he could never let him go.