Education Secretary Gavin Williamson has announced a range of new measures to ensure parent-provided education is on par with the government system.
As increasing numbers of parents are forced to turn to homeschooling, Whitehall sources report that Cabinet heavyweight Williamson will conduct raids on piggy banks across the country, to ensure homeschooling remains as woefully under-funded as most state schools. “We won’t let the virus win: no one can force us to value education,” said one adviser.
The government considered using these funds to develop a new virtual learning platform, but after the success of their contact tracing app, Downing Street decided it was unfair to private developers to release any further superior content. Lessons will instead be provided via TikTok, with Jason Derulo slated to teach food technology and design technology.
A cross-party selection of prominent politicians have also been enlisted to deliver lessons. Christopher Chope has been asked to give the women’s studies courses, and Diane Abbott has offered to give 78,000 maths lessons a week. Michael Gove will offer advice on drug awareness, whilst Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg are said to be teaming up for joint lessons on contraception and abortion. Priti Patel will deliver sessions on charisma and integrity.
Apart from politicians, broadcaster Eamonn Holmes was approached to teach science, but this may clash with his existing classes on LGBT issues and consent workshops. A spokesperson for the Parent-Teacher Association (members: your mum) said: “To be honest, I’d let anyone teach them now. I didn’t realise my own children were such cunts.”