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9th December 2022

Government introduces new ‘shit weather policy’ to complement easing of lockdown restrictions

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Boris Johnson has today announced that the latest step in the government’s plan to combat the ongoing coronavirus epidemic is, in fact, the recent spell of dreadful weather.

Artificial bouts of rain, cloud and, in rare cases, snow have been used as a foil to the gradual lifting of lockdown restrictions, encouraging people to stay at home, stay alert, and, most importantly, to keep their barbecues as locked away as granny.

Health Secretary Matt Hancock dismissed allegations of operational chaos within the government’s ‘shit weather’ task force. “We have a number of initiatives in place to ensure that we keep the (a)R(se) rate below 1 – the level at which the number of men putting on tank tops and shorts and turning a deep shade of lobster despite saying they ‘tan naturally’ will start to grow exponentially,” he said.

Indeed, Hancock has been leading from the front, “flying round the country in a specially-chartered aircraft with an enormous hose, to distribute precipitation effectively across all areas of the country.” Of course, any such ambitious scheme encounters bumps in the road; Hancock recounted the unforeseen technical difficulties over Wales and the North West which forced the crack government taskforce to dump all rainwater reserves there. However, they remain committed to reaching the target capacity of 100,000mm of rainfall by the end of the month.

In a tragic mishap, an RAF Chinook helicopter called in to administer a light summer shower to Totness in Devon accidentally jettisoned its entire crew instead. Ground-level witnesses were horrified. “It was quite literally raining men,” one onlooker said.

As part of the new measures, chief necromancer to the PM Dominic Cummings has invoked his mastery of the dark arts, uttering satanic incantation after satanic incantation to bring a storm of diluvial proportions upon the UK. Mild panic arose when trouble with his eyesight meant that he mistakenly sent the storm into the seventh dimension, but after a quick broomstick ride to Barnard Castle with his wife and child, normal service resumed for the insidious warlock.

To address a shortfall in fresh water supplies following drought-like conditions over previous weeks, the government has also taken to collecting David Cameron’s tears in a bucket, a move which has provided enough fresh water to keep the entire UK under rainfall until 2097.

Given the Tories’ newfound capacity to control the weather, activists have wondered whether the government will finally turn its attention to combating climate change. However, it has since been revealed that the UK has outsourced all its weather-control contracts to Elon Musk. Worldwide annihilation is expected within days.