22nd September 2023

Inability to choose between Facebook profile frames leaves student facing existential crisis


With UCU’s ongoing strike action, the impending general election, XR, and JCR and Union hustings all competing for headlines in Cambridge over the last week, one student has found his loyalties tested to the absolute limit.

‘As a student activist, I consider Facebook profile frames a vital tool in implementing meaningful change,’ said Marcus Atherton, a humble ex-Etonian with barely two trust funds to his name.

‘Yet, the last couple of weeks have left me between a rock and a hard place. How am I supposed to coordinate my ‘for the many not the few’ banner with the ‘I support UCU striking staff’ tag so that the glorious shot of me holding an orphaned Nepalese child isn’t obscured to the point of obsolescence? And what of my campaign to become my JCR’s new Treasurer? Shall my Facebook event and poorly formatted manifesto come to nothing simply because these egotistical maniacs can’t wait their turn to moan about the living wage?’

This unfortunate bureaucratic logjam has hit Cambridge’s liberal population hard, with UCS reporting a surge in students seeking support.

‘It’s difficult to know where ‘me’ ends and the frames begin,’ said Zero Carbon President Tara Lamp, although many patients have also seen flare-ups in their Imposter Syndrome due to an inability to effectively assert their superiority through carefully coordinated guilt-trips and character assassinations.

Some students have been forced to employ less conventional methods of attracting attention to circumvent the issue of cluttered profile pictures. A compsci at Clare has hacked seven hundred people’s Facebook accounts to comment ‘scab’ on the same Camfess as many times as possible, while another has cloned himself in order to attend the Extinction Rebellion protest on King’s Parade without leaving his post on the Sidgwick Site picket line.

When asked to comment on the matter, Vice-chancellor and Canadian citizen Stephen Toope, who had just finished a meeting with grime star Stormzy, replied: ‘I set trends dem man copy.’