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29th June 2022

King’s Interloper apprehended by Four Teens and a Dog in a Van

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Students at King’s have expressed relief after news that the ‘interloper’ said to be roaming the college has been successfully stopped by four van-dwelling teens and a Great Dane. 

The King’s Senior Tutor revealed that suspicions of an imposter within the cohort of matriculating undergraduates arose after someone let slip that they remember the fall of the Berlin Wall at the Fresher’s film night. Further evidence, such as mortgage payments and an adult railcard soon came to light. It is alleged that King’s porters arranged a sting operation in collaboration with the group of crime-solving teenagers, who agreed to catch the imposter in exchange for lucrative ‘Scooby Snacks’. 

The situation then escalated after the group attempted to apprehend the imposter, with some students claiming to have witnessed a SWAT team enter the buttery after the con-artist refused to leave college premises. 

After being captured he admitted “I always felt like I wasn’t meant to be at Cambridge, I felt like an imposter, but then so did most of my peers.’ He later stated he ‘would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for you meddlin’ kids’.

When asked by investigators for their motives for this bizarre masquerade act, their response was that a voice inside their head told them that they were the ‘saboteur’ and that they must not react. 

Judge Judy has agreed to return to Cambridge to try the imposter who is now in police custody. It is thought unlikely that they will face any actual charges, as the crushing sense of inadequacy and lack of belonging are generally deemed punishment enough, though crowds have gathered outside the courtroom to demand that he be fined, and possibly made to do a shoe.

There has been much student speculation as to the identity of the intruder, who has become something of a cult icon. Some have suggested that they might be none other than Olympian James Cracknell, who is reportedly seeking another shot at the boat race after being the first celebrity to be eliminated from ‘Strictly Come Dancing’. Other theories have suggested that the interloper is a particularly salty Durham student unable to accept their score from the 2016 ELAT or an Oxford student jumping ship following the results of the University League tables. 

Thankfully, King’s were able to obtain the help of expert investigator Colleen Rooney, who summed up the case and finally revealed the identity of the imposter at a gathering held in the King’s fellows drawing room, laying this week’s anxieties to rest with her revelation:

‘It’s…….Rebekah Vardy’.