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9th December 2022

‘Management Studies’ rebranded ‘Corporate Arse-Kissing Tripos’

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The University of Cambridge today announced the relaunch of the Management Studies Tripos as the ‘Corporate Arse-Kissing Tripos’.

The move is designed to shake up the University’s curriculum and begin offering more career-focused degrees, with Mike Ashley installed as the new Emeritus Professor.

The rebrand comes after reports that the University of Cambridge was lagging significantly ahead of Oxford in terms of humanity, generosity, and civility. The new faculty building, located on the blasted remains of the Cambridge City Orphanage, has been built in authentic Victorian style, with red brick, gothic features and a separate entrance for paupers.

“This new course will empower students to fully embrace becoming the kind of avaricious slime balls that everyone, even other avaricious slime balls, despise,” announced Vice-Chancellor Stephen Toope, who is Canadian, at a launch event. “I wish it had been around when I was at University!”

A series of talks have already been confirmed in the faculty, with the inaugural address, ‘How to make the collapse of Western Democracy work for your mutual fund’ taking place this Saturday. Entry to the talks is subject to a strict ‘business-wear’ dress code, with a door charge of £10, with half price tickets and queue jump for members of CUCA and the Pitt Club.

Marcus Atherton, a former Natural Sciences student who has been taking part in a pilot of the new course, expressed satisfaction with his experience.

“I used to simply be a mild-mannered student: pleasant to be around, slightly too into ABBA and Netflix, and with a vague sense that I was supposed to work in the city after graduation. After this phenomenal course, however, I have learned to let naked ambition and ruthlessness govern my every social interaction and inclination!

“I now quantify my friends’ worth by their usefulness to my future career progression, a move which has really cut down on unproductive things like having fun or experiencing genuine human connection.

“I’m so thankful that I’ll finally be able to be a productive member of society now that I no longer have to take that laboratory assistant position at Cancer Research UK!”

Whilst investment banks and law firms have welcomed the move with open arms and smiles which don’t reach their eyes, some other faculties have expressed concern. In particular, the Economics and Law faculties accused the new course of ‘poaching their talent pool’ arguing that they had been ‘doing a perfectly good job of creating corporate drones for hundreds of years already’.