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3rd July 2022

Phillip Schofield stars in DJ set at Glitterbomb

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Phillip Schofield has made the news yet again this week, following a stint at the decks of one of Cambridge’s most popular nights out, Glitterbomb.

Many students have expressed dismay at missing out on the LGBT+ club night, claiming not to have realised that Schofield was a student at the university. This is likely because he is studying for an MPhil in Film and Screen Studies at Clare Hall, which rarely makes it onto most people’s radar. Glitterbomb also failed to promote Schofield’s set, with a spokesman saying: “Any current news about Schofield only focuses on one thing: rumours of the return of The Cube.”

Tara Lamp was one of the lucky few to attend Schofield’s exclusive pre-drinks, which he hosted in his kitchen at Clare Hall. “It was mad,” she told The Porter’s Log the following morning. “Ruth Langsford and Eamonn Holmes were there, though they kept disappearing to make out in the laundry cupboard. At one point The Body from The Cube turned up – turns out she’s great at beer pong. Holly Willoughby didn’t make it out, unfortunately, as she had too much prosecco and wouldn’t stop drunk-dialling Keith Lemon. Schofe had to put her to bed.”

However, the DJ set itself failed to launch Schofield’s career on the club circuit. A large proportion of those who turned up were divorced mothers and OAPs, most of whom called it a night before 10:30pm. While some of Schofield’s celebrity friends did support the set, they were underwhelmed at the state of the club. Dancing on Ice duo Torvill and Dean attempted a rendition of their iconic Bolero, but found that the sticky floors were not conducive to ice skating.

Schofield himself descended into a fit of uncontrollable giggles after playing Ian Dury’s ‘Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick’, needing an advertisement break to calm down. He also had to leave early to be ready for discussions for his new show, Mr and Mr, in London the following day.