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3rd July 2022

RAG Blind Dates exposed as mathmo mating experiment

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Students have reacted with shock after leaked documents revealed that RAG Blind Dates is actually a front for a PhD experiment studying the mating habits of mathmos.

After extensive research, investigators have uncovered the sinister origins of RAG’s popular Valentine’s themed event. Inspired by Edinburgh Zoo’s panda breeding programme, the scheme is merely a cover for a desperate and ultimately futile attempt to encourage mathmos to procreate.

Speaking exclusively, Marcus Atherton, the orchestrator of the experiment, insisted his intentions were harmless. “I simply wanted to persuade mathmos and compscis to leave their natural habitat, which rarely occurs unprompted,” he said. “This scheme allows me to study mathmos’ social skills – the ultimate oxymoron.”

According to the PhD candidate, mathmos’ ineffective communication and extreme hibernation habits mean they are at risk of dying out in the wild. RAG Blind Dates was therefore set up in a Truman-style attempt to catalogue their failings and provide a rare mating opportunity for the unwitting participants.

Mathmos were coaxed out of their dens, tempted by the chance to interact with a real human female, and then mercilessly abandoned to fend for themselves in the unlikely setting of the Maypole. Atherton admitted the experiment had been a resounding failure. “I haven’t come across a single success,” he said. “Also, one of my participants was left traumatised by an excruciating date with a member of the ADC.”

Meanwhile, the revelation has come as a shock to those on the other side of the dates, who essentially play the role of bait for women-starved, socially awkward, underdeveloped men who still haven’t grown out of their World of Warcraft addiction. However, Atherton argues that any ethical concerns were outweighed by the benefits of a rare and crucial opportunity to learn more about an elusive and endangered species.

A RAG spokesman said: “Students who signed up for a blind date should have been aware of the risks before submitting their form. We accept no responsibility for any gut-wrenching pauses, unexpected handshakes, or crushing disappointment.”