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3rd July 2022

Retired Pornstars answer calls to return to work amid increasing strain on adult websites

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With the coronavirus pandemic driving more and more people to their computers, some 6,500 former adult entertainment stars have agreed to return to work to help relieve ‘mounting’ pressure on pornographic websites.

Speaking on behalf of a number of websites, spokesperson Fellatio Dunlop praised the retired workers for their can-do spirit. “We are immensely grateful to the stars of yesteryear for their willingness to stand up – or, indeed, lie down – for the porn industry. Special thanks must go to Elaine, 0.7 miles from my current location, and many others like her who are doing valuable work in local communities to help us flatten this curve.”

For some stars, however, the physically demanding nature of the profession will take some getting used to. “My back’s gone and I’ve had both my hips done this year,” said Ivanna Cuppoti. “The rheumatoid arthritis isn’t getting much better either. Sadly, I think my days of being blindfolded, handcuffed to a pipe and spanked with a paddle might be well behind me.”

Others worry that their capacity to fulfil other basic requirements might be somewhat inhibited. “In all honesty,” admitted Eric Tilediss-Funkshun, a mature male actor, “things don’t quite work as well as they used to…you know…down there.”

Whether ageing stars will still be sufficiently compos mentis to perform their roles is another cause for concern. It is reported that a four-minute clip featuring 80s star Ida Noe took seventeen hours to film due to the actress’s repeated failure to remember that the workman in her house was not there to fix her dishwasher.

In keeping with the times, Pornhub has updated its much-loved BBC category. Visitors to the website will now be able to view an extensive collection of broadcasting-themed videos, including an X-rated encounter between Eric Monkman and Bobby Seagull and, for the connoisseurs, a compilation of Tim Gudgin reading the results on Final Score.