28th May 2024

The Porter’s Log guide to celebrating a virtual diss hand-in


With dissertation submissions moving to Moodle this year, the traditional Instagram flex of ‘student beside ugly brutalist faculty with 10,000 words of bullshit’ is no longer possible. So how can finalists celebrate completing two weeks of all-nighters and destroying their supervisor’s faith in the next generation? The Porter’s Log is here to help.

First, make sure your parents print out your dissertation – double-spaced, size 18, in crayon – and put it on the fridge next to your 50m swimming award. Given they both proof-read it, it’s only fair they get to celebrate too. Consider self-publishing your work and gifting it to friends and family. As your ‘baby’, your dissertation could even act as a substitute grandchild for your mother.

Then change your Zoom background to Senate House (provided by the university as a new mental health measure) and record a ‘diss track’ for Soundcloud. Alternatively, those missing the ADC should record a scripted readthrough or revive their lockdown podcast, to ensure their piece of brilliance reaches the masses. Those who are well connected could contact Stephen Fry to produce an audiobook, as the perfect accompaniment for this summer’s staycation.

Consider spreading the pages of your masterpiece over your neighbour’s rose bush, as bullshit is an excellent fertiliser. Students who have focused on a controversial topic could also set up a stall outside their room, with the message “here’s my diss, change my mind.”

Social media addicts should simply photoshop themselves into their preferred location. This tactic ensures the weather plays ball and also allows you to make use of ‘diss’-based puns you’ve stolen from previous years, replacing Covid with a new epidemic of ‘zany’ Instagram photos.

Finally: don’t, you moron. No one cares about your investigation into the emotional intelligence of salamanders in a neoliberal climate.