Message from the Dean, please Circulate:
As some of you may be aware, the exam season is fast-approaching. While I could conceive of few activities more enjoyable than being locked in a library studying for twenty-five hours a day, this can be a stressful time for a small number of students. Therefore, we have devised a few measures to help you get the most out of this term.
There have been a number of requests for more clocks to be put up in the library to help keep track of timed essay work. While this is financially impractical for the college, I’m pleased to inform you that, from now on, the librarians will be setting off the library fire alarm every five minutes so that students can waste no time in finding out how long they have spent working.
Of course, it is of great importance to stay fit and well while studying, and research has recently shown that students who exercise during study breaks work 6% more effectively. However, to minimise the disruption to your studies that exercise can also cause, we have decided to install human-sized hamster wheels within the library itself. In line with the JCR’s policy to reduce our carbon footprint, these wheels shall be used to power the library WiFi router. So, if you ever find the internet going down, you now know who to blame.
We acknowledge that it can, on very rare occasions, be difficult to stay focused while in the library, and for this reason we have installed one-way doors in the library to ensure that once you are in, you stay and study for as long as possible.
If at any point you find yourself growing tired, simply shout across the library and a member of our catering team will provide you with tea, coffee, biscuits or Colombian straight-cut cocaine to help you stay focused for as long as possible. If you wish to save even more time, our butlers will hook you up to one of the communal drips currently installed in the library to provide a steady intravenous supply of glucose and adderall. To complement these options, the JCR will be providing ‘MD at three’ every weekday afternoon during Easter Term.
I trust that, with the aid of our generous measures, you shall do the college, and yourselves, proud.
All best wishes,