theporterslog@gmail.com
21st February 2024

Porter’s Log team call off strike due to confusion in negotiation

Photo by Claude Schneider, 2009.
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Today writers at The Porter’s Log have announced a permanent hiatus in their lengthy strike, citing a dead end in negotiations as the main reason. ‘For too long our silence has been deafening,’ said Marcus Atherton, spokesperson for Trite – the Satirical Union, ‘but now we have elected to call it a day on our strike action as we feel that our sense of purpose has faded.’

‘Last week we reached a significant point in our discussions; it became clear that there wasn’t anyone to have a discussion with, and we’re not sure there ever was. But even if we had found another party to open negotiations with, we have by this point almost entirely forgotten what our demands were. Therefore, we are cancelling our walkout with immediate effect, and will return to publishing witty headlines, non-stories and half-arsed photoshop jobs on Wednesday.’ 

Writers at The Porter’s Log are automatically elected as members of the Satire Council (SC), headed by an anonymous and mysterious super-body who negotiate their terms of pay and treatment in the workplace, including the weekly canteen menu, on their behalf. ‘More recently, a major issue was brought to my attention,’ continued Marcus, ‘that we don’t write for the money, less out of principle, but more as a result of the massive financial haemorrhage of low-profile lawsuits with TCS. And we certainly don’t write for The PLog for the lucrative fame and BNOC status, because no one has a clue who we are, which is what we want. Definitely. Certainly. We aren’t jealous…’ he said drifting off into a mild rant. 

‘Then I was also reminded that we don’t have an office, and that the PLog cafeteria never came to fruition after I pioneered the concept during a slightly rogue social at the local bowling alley where we spent the remainder of the budget on air hockey and 2p machines. At that point, it dawned on us that we are actually quite content with our existence and all.’ 

The Porter’s Log reached out to the SC for comment, but only received a 30 minute voicemail concerning their proposal for a new library for the veterinary school staffed entirely by alpacas.

 

The Porter’s Log are always looking for sharp-minded egotists who think they are funny. If you are interested from this description, then please apply to Varsity instead.