Message from the Dean of St. John’s, please circulate:
As some of you may know, a tiny handful of students every year insist on partaking in frivolous and inappropriate activities on Jesus Green before exams begin. I urge you to avoid the corrupting influence of this minuscule subset of students and remain diligent in your avoidance of any activities involving drinking, amusement, or general cheerfulness.
To those who are considering attending, we request you familiarise yourself with some worrying facts about the day and reconsider your plans:
• 98% of students who attend get a 2.2 or lower in their end-of-year exams
• 25% of all students will lose an eye or limb due to alcohol-related mishaps
• 5% of students will be offered a summer internship with the Daily Mail
I’m sure these figures speak for themselves.
Before its bastardisation by drinking societies, Caesarian Sunday was actually a sacred day in the Cambridge calendar. It was a day when students, professors and alumni would come together for a feast to commemorate when Julius Caesar himself prophesied the founding of Cambridge University more than a thousand years after his death. I implore you all not to take part in this cheap and brutish imitation of what was once a beautiful event.
If students insist on taking some time away from revision this Sunday – an extremely risky decision – may I suggest taking part in more wholesome and fruitful activities. Consider a morning of rolling a hoop down a hill, an afternoon of reading, and an evening of staring quietly at a wall.
To those who choose to ignore this request, your possessions will be left outside of College for you to collect and may God have mercy on your soul, for you are surely bound for hell.