Message from the Dean of Corpus Christi, please circulate:
Following a recent incident, I would like to remind you all of college policy regarding guests in student rooms. While we prefer that the only stimulation you experience is intellectual, those who choose to disregard this are reminded that all forthcoming sexual activities must be registered at least a month in advance so as to avoid any conflicts with conferencing.
We kindly request that students do this by completing the relevant signed declaration:
‘I, _________, will engage in sins of the flesh with ________at _______ on __/__/__.’
This declaration will then be displayed on the wall of the Porter’s Lodge, with copies being forwarded to your tutor and Director of Studies for administrative purposes.
Guests can stay only for as long as is required to complete the activities, at which point academic work should be resumed. Failure to comply with this regulation will be noted by the Porters using in-bed seismometers, and will result in a £100 fine.
I would also like to remind you that, despite scriptural contention, we fully support all students demonstrating their dedication to college safety by carrying out sexual activities in a solitary environment. As mentioned in a recent bulletin, we reward notably conscientious students with higher positions on the room ballot, a scheme which I understand the JCR has called ‘best rooms for the biggest wankers’.
Finally, it seems pertinent to remind you all of our college’s motto:
‘Ignorare corpora omnia sed corpus Christi’
– Ignore all bodies but the body of Christ
Best wishes for the coming weeks,