Is Graham Virgo really a Virgo? Which world leader eats the most cheese? Why did my dad run away if he really loved me like he said he did that one time when he’d had a few beers too many at my fifth birthday party? Chances are these questions have not in any way, shape or form crossed your mind, nor has the fleeting possibility of them crossing your mind even flitted momentarily through your subconscious. We at The Porter’s Log, however, do not care. So, inspired by the good work done by our friends over at The Tab, here is a handy list of questions you never wanted the answers to, but to which we are going to provide answers just to spite you:
Is Nicola Sturgeon really a sturgeon?
Answer: No, but she is a bit fishy
If Stephen Toope wears a wig, is it called a Toopé?
Is Cressida Dick really a dick?
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Answer: Only if it’s a whiny little bitch
Does my dog judge me for watching porn?
Answer: Depends on the breed. Spaniels probably don’t care, Labradors might be a bit disappointed
Are there Wombles on Wimbledon Common?
Answer: Yes, hence its upcoming name change to ‘Wombledon Common’
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Answer: Approximately 83.44kg
What is that little pocket on your jeans for?
Answer: Storing an English graduate’s average yearly earnings
If a train sets off from London towards Manchester travelling at sixty miles an hour, at what time do the passengers realise their mistake?
Answer: Somewhere between the point at which people start talking to strangers and the point at which they start banging on incessantly about Oasis and the Smiths
Is this a rhetorical question?
Answer: Not any more
Did Justin Timberlake really bring sexy back?
Answer: No #freebritney
What is the most powerful explosion in the universe?
Answer: A post-curry bowel movement
Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
Answer: So that when they have dinner they can say they are eating a ‘balanced’ diet
What does Ronseal do?
Answer: Exactly what it says on the tin
Is the person reading this article loved and valued?
Answer: Always, babes
There you have it. Now get back to that essay, you procrastinating fuck.