- 1. I can’t go to the cinema without seeing his face:
- Out of the current films playing at the Arts Picturehouse, Timothee is in two of the three films currently playing. Why can’t I enjoy seeing the finest films on offer without seeing him? Only three people came to see my one-man show at the ADC, one of which was the director and neither of which was my girlfriend. His films out now have made over $250 million – why is some pretentious artsy film about newspapers or sand better than Conversations with My Father who is an Alcoholic and also Estranged?
- 2. His smug aura mocks me:
- Look at him. Just look at him – he’s clearly making fun of me. He knows he doesn’t deserve the fame, and that my YouTube channel making custom Xbox controllers was far better than his. It’s hardly fair that Timoth3 got famous due to his channel and I didn’t.
- 3. The Tab won’t publish my article about him:
- I tried to get The Tab to publish my first draft of this article, but they insisted it was “not very nice”, “largely just lies” and “below them”. Below them! The Tab! Can you imagine how far down the Timothèe rabbit hole they must be to refuse to publish this? I thought nothing was below The Tab. But at least The Porter’s Log has enough journalistic integrity to let me publish this article.
- 4. His hair:
- Every day on Crushbridge I have to sit through the torment of yet another person pining after people who look like Timotheé. I’ve tried to explain to my girlfriend I just can’t get hair like his, not unless I got a perm and a dye job, and even then it would take constant upkeep. It’s not even that nice – and I bet it takes too long to dry after washing, so what’s the point?
- 5. His name:
- Timothêe Chalamet. What a stupid name. What sort of name requires an accent every time you write it out, or is hard to pronounce? I bet loads of people get made fun of by their friends for pronouncing it wrong, that’s something that loads of people have to live through and that’s just terrible.
- 6. He wasn’t even famous until like a week ago:
- What sort of actor just suddenly appears in the two biggest films of the week having never acted in anything ever before then? A fake one, that’s who. Someone on Twitter tried to insist to me that he was in Interstellar, but from what I remember there wasn’t a 25 year old 5 foot 10 man in that film, so they’re clearly lying. I think he was genetically engineered in a lab and suddenly started acting this year, probably for some kind of evil plot.
- 7. He’s not even that good at acting:
- He just plays the same character in every movie, he’s always a moody, quiet main character who suddenly shouts every now and then – anyone could do that. My girlfriend insisted that he has “range” or something like that, but I told her if she likes Timotheè Chalamet so much why doesn’t she break up with me and go out with him, so that showed her.
- 8. His hair:
- Did I mention his hair yet? Well, it’s stupid.
- 9. Everyone says he’s a really nice man:
- This makes the entire thing so much more infuriating. No matter how scheming and bad at acting I can tell he is, everyone else insists he’s “lovely on set”, “a nice guy” and “down to earth”. Clearly they haven’t taken A-Level Psychology, because I can see right through you, Timote. You can’t fool me.
- 10. My girlfriend won’t call me back:
- Apparently my “obsession” with Timothëe Chalamet was “weird”, so now she won’t return my calls. I think her friends are in on the plot too, because they brought all my stuff from her room and left it at my plodge, but I reckon Timothëê put them up to it.
For more quality film criticism, consider supporting The Porter’s Log by taking all your unused cash and burning it in the bins on Parkers Piece.