theporterslog@gmail.com
1st December 2022

University plans for ‘halfway hall from home’

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The Porter’s Log has obtained an exclusive copy of the university’s plans for ‘halfway hall from home’. Read the leaked memo below:

Halfway hall from home

For distribution to students halfway through the second Lent Term of their Undergraduate Degree, or those who were halfway back to Cambridge before having their request to return denied:

You will have all seen the tutorial email sending a link to the College Chapel Choir’s new Spotify. Regardless of your religious background you will listen to this in advance of dinner, not least to justify allowing them to continue last term.

Before sitting down, bang a gong and drink champagne. Easier not to try both at once.

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Starter

Pan fry something and drizzle with an unidentifiable jus. Add tender stem broccoli, preferably from your estate garden to minimise air miles.

Send your truffle pig grazing in advance and grate the results over whatever you produce.

If this is not possible, just lie back and think of Waitrose.

***

Main

Pheasant, fresh.

Sprinkle with herbs or black pepper, call it ‘spice’.

If at Peterhouse, add potatoes.

Vegan – cook some vegetables. Any sort, any method. Bish bash bosh.

***

Dessert

Decant jelly pot onto plate, upside down, and pretend you made it.

Nut Allergy – tinned fruit salad.

***

Wine

Retrieve your finest 1870 Pinot Noir. Drink. Also drink your neighbours’.

Edit: The College Access Officer has informed us that not all students have access to a fine wine cellar at home. College apologises for this.

***

Congratulations – you’re halfway through Tripos! *

*Unless you study MML, AMES, Veterinary Medicine, Medicine, NatSci or Engineering