17th April 2024

ISIS claims responsibility for queue outside Life


The so-called Islamic State has claimed responsibility for making students wait for hours to enter nightclub Kuda last night.

Downing student Emily Milton said: “Only ISIS could have created a scene of such anarchy and terror, as 500 freshers huddled together for hours, hoping to cram themselves into a nightmarish dungeon.”

In a video posted online, ISIS caliph Abu Marcus al Athertani said: “The long queue at Sunday Life has inflicted a mortal blow on British society! The lingering anxiety and existential dread on the faces of those students proves the success of our holy attack on the hegemonic West!!

“This attack was carried out with incredible efficiency. The Bowling Green Massacre damaged your decadent society, but we know that we will only destroy the infidels by striking at the very heart of their civilisation: queues for nightclubs. Let the word ring out through my kingdom of rubble!”

Stephen Parsley, the Commissioner of the Metropolitan police, said: “This attack was meticulously timed to coincide with bitterly cold weather, which is an unprecedented tactic in the history of modern terrorism.

“This was not only an attack on Cambridge students but it a direct assault on British values, as chinning thirty jägers and throwing up on your mate’s head is central to our national identity, as we all know.”

A GCHQ spokesman said: “The security services are re-examining the safety of all clubs in Cambridge which attract large numbers of students.

“This excludes Fez.”