21st February 2024

Zero Carbon Society leader resigns after realising he is 18% carbon


The president of the Cambridge Zero Carbon Society has been forced to resign following revelations that nearly one fifth of his body is made of carbon.

In a statement, Cecil Jones said it was clear his position had become untenable and he could no longer take part in the divestment campaign.

“As a passionate believer in a zero carbon society, I was naturally disappointed to find that I myself am carbonated. However, I will be undertaking a chemical detox over the Christmas period, and eschewing mulled wine in favour of four litres of ammonia per day. This means that by the beginning of Lent term, I should have transformed into a nitrogenous blob. At this point, I plan to resume my leadership duties.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a junior member of the Zero Carbon Society said: “It’s been chaos since the accusations. In our meetings, we used to discuss important issues such as divestment from fossil fuels and climate change. Now we all just sit in a circle continuously exhaling in order to expel as much carbon dioxide from our bodies as possible. It’s become a dystopian nightmare.”

Marcus Atherton, who is tipped to take over the leadership, said: “I am the ideal candidate for the role as I spend at least 23 hours a day exclusively breathing out and always shake my Coke cans for ages before drinking them. My passion for a zero carbon world dates back to a special Christmas in my childhood, when I beat the living daylights out of Santa in our living room because he was covered in soot.”

The revelations have provoked a strong response from Cambridge’s scientific community.

The Cambridge University Hydrogen Society, in their first statement since an explosive swap with the Oxygen Society wiped out half their members, said: “The Zero Carbon society has now not only divested from carbon, but also from reality. Removing the carbon from Cambridge simply leaves us with Ambridge, the fictional home of the Archers.”

Meanwhile, the Copper, Sulphur and Uranium Society (CuSU) has halted its own campaign to push the University to divest from these three elements. A spokesman said: “We’ve been forced to give up because no one ever reads our emails.”