theporterslog@gmail.com
16th May 2022

Cinderella goes to the Law Ball

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We sat down with Cinderella, a second-year lawyer at Emma, in Caffe Nero on Sunday to find out whether the Law Ball was really as bad as Camfess is making it out to be.

Cinderella initially thought that her overdue supervision work would prevent her from going to the ball. ‘I had three essays due the next day, but as I slaved away at my desk, my Fairy Godsupervisor granted me a deadline extension so I could go to the ball after all! I took the ticket listing down from Ticketbridge that my college step-sisters made me put up and put on my ball gown, woven not by mice but by wage-slaves in the Global South!’

‘My first disappointment was that the coaches were not pumpkins pulled by horses, as I’d been led to believe, but Leyland buses. When I asked where my carriage was, the entire cast of the Footlights panto emerged from a nearby bush and shouted “it’s behind you” without any context whatsoever. Little did I know that stuffing 4 people in a coach toilet was just the first terrible choice made by the Ball’s organisers.’

Cinderella was shocked to find that the Ball consisted of a freezing-cold tent with a sprinkling of fuck-all to do. ‘Most of the lawyers had come directly from the fiery depths of hell to attend, so they could have at least warmed the place up a bit.’

Cold coffee and freezing winds made Cinderella regret going, until her night totally changed. ‘I was excited though to meet Prince Charming, a Peterhouse grad who works for Armstrong, Blow, Cheddar, Dunce, Ecstasy, Frivolity and Partners. His gorgeous blond curtains, wine-stained shirt and undone bow tie convinced me I wanted to marry this man to complete the trinity (I already play fives). We met at the silent disco as Fireflies by Owl City played and danced together for three whole minutes before a power cut left us in darkness. I’ve never felt this way before, not even when I’ve previously seen hundreds of HSPSers who look just like him at Sidge.’

Disaster struck though as Cinderella had to be on the first coach home. ‘Before I could add Prince Charming on LinkedIn, I had to rush to the bus and in the stampede that followed, I lost my glass slipper! I was distraught, not least because the coach dropped us off in Cambridge Massachusetts by accident.’

The next day though, while combing through Ticketbridge, she found that her beloved Prince Charming had listed the slipper for $1,000,000,000,000. ‘He wrote: “shoe belonging to girl I met at the CULS Ball, get yourself tagged because I want to marry you xoxox.”  Despite my college step-sisters’ attempts to stop me being with Charming, I was eventually tagged by my Trinmo friend Buttons, who has been making really unsettling eye contact with me since that ‘be friendly’ poster was put up in the CMS. Overall, the Law Ball may not have represented true value, but it did mean that I found true love.’