23rd June 2017

Ex-porter running for mayor proposes “city-wide pigeonhole system”

KevinPrice
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Kevin Price, candidate for the Labour Party mayoral nomination in Cambridge, has unveiled a manifesto based on his trademark brand of ‘Porter Politics’.

Price, who worked as a porter for ten years at Clare College before becoming a chancellor, has pledged to use the experience gained from his previous job for the good of local politics.

“People are tired of mainstream politicians.” said Price at his rally on King’s Parade. “We’ve seen the boundless enthusiasm of Trudeau and the intense work ethic of Merkel. Now the electorate are crying out for a middle-aged man in a funny blazer to begrudgingly sort things out with a slight grumble or tut – Porter Politics is the way forward.”

Price’s candidacy has received widespread support from Cambridgeshire voters. Emily Milton, a chemistry teacher, said: “I really like the way he scratches his head, furrows his brow and looks sceptical in 100% of situations. It’s refreshing to see a candidate with a healthy attitude of constant suspicion.”

Amongst his proposals, Price highlighted the need for improved city-wide security: “For starters, I’ll be locking up the whole of Cambridge at 10pm. After that you’ll have to show your CamCard if you want to get past the giant wooden gates we’ll be building at the edge of town.

“But you’ll never have to worry about lost keys again. I’ll carry spares for every single property in the county on my belt, just pop by City Hall if you need to sign one out.”

Price has also proposed new environment measures: “Grass will obviously be off limits, I’m fed up of people vandalising their front gardens by walking on them. And don’t forget ivy. We’ll be growing ivy everywhere we can possibly grow it. It’s astounding to me that some walls in this town don’t have uncontrollable ivy plants sprawling in all directions.”

Some of the Councillor’s policy proposals have been controversial, such as his pledge to replace Royal Mail with a mass pigeonhole system and his strict fire safety standards. Responding to concerns, Price said: “Pigeonholes are cheap, efficient and will revolutionise the delivery of RAG naked calendars. Soon the whole town will be able to come together in the centre of town and bask in the glory of Pembroke rugby team’s backsides.

“As for fire safety, I fail to see the problem with setting off every fire alarm in Cambridge at 8am on Saturdays and assembling the town on King’s Parade so I can take a register. You can never be too careful.”

Price has also faced criticism from opposition candidate Marcus Atherton, who said: “His economic policies are mind-boggling – basing the entire municipal budget around the sale of stash is a laughable idea. It’s simply impossible to raise £5 billion from the sale of commemorative cufflinks, beanie baby mascots and funny-looking bowties.

“3 billion maybe, but definitely not 5.”