Vacation not a holiday
16th December 2017

Amatey Doku’s illegitimate college son makes claim to CUSU presidency

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After the announcement that Daisy Eyre will take over from her college father as CUSU president later this year, a student claiming to be Doku’s college son has declared himself the rightful heir to the presidency.

Jon Snowku, a third-year Philosophy student at Jesus, has accused Amatey of attempting to keep his existence unknown to the public by forcing him to distribute CUSU propaganda in remote regions of Cambridge for the past year. “I’ve been forced to go to parts of the city I didn’t even know existed” said Snowku, “I’ve only just got out of Chesterton after being stuck there for over a month. It feels so good to be back in civilisation and eating real food after weeks of shopping at Iceland. And now that I am, it’s time for me to take my place as CUSU president.”

Amatey dismissed Snowku’s claims in a university-wide email, saying: “This imposter is absolutely no relation of mine. I have remained faithful to my college wife since day four of fresher’s week and Daisy is my rightful heir.”

In an unexpected turn of events, Snowku’s bid to oust Eyre gained traction yesterday when ex-presidential candidate Jack Drury committed his support to the campaign. The announcement comes after a crisis of faith for Drury, who was sighted on Parker’s Piece at the weekend yelling “Where were you? Moses got locusts! Where were my locusts?” at the sky.

Meanwhile, after candidate Keir Murison’s condemnation of CUSU politics and the announcement that he is moving to Grantchester meadows to live life as a hermit, dissent continues to grow amongst his Student Minds supporters. Members have reportedly been seen training welfare dogs to write Tab articles criticising Eyre in an attempt undermine her credibility throughout her term.

Responding to the growing support for Snowku, Daisy demonstrated her strength with a procession along King’s Parade this morning, surrounded by her newly formed Proctorian Guard. Following the march, several of Snowku’s supporters were summarily rusticated from the University and will be forced to spend the next year doing unpaid work in CUSU’s printing and email departments.

Eyre also confirmed plans to introduce new legislation making it possible for CUSU Presidents to serve an indefinite number of terms. Speaking to a large crowd outside Senate house, she said “My reign will bring about a period of unprecedented prosperity for CUSU. Through the abolition of TCS and an NSS tax for traitors to the boycott, I will grow the CUSU reserves from £350,000 to over a million during the first decade of my presidency.”

A third faction, led by Durham students seeking to capitalise on the infighting and unite the DSU and CUSU under a single leader, has been seen marching to Cambridge from the north. Rumours continue to circulate that they have secured a tactical union with Sheffield University, with the alliance to be sealed with a lavish banquet and a diplomatically arranged wedding.

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