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25th September 2022

Manny Pacquiao knocks out Vince Cable after Union ‘misunderstanding’

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In a dramatic turn of events at the Cambridge Union on Tuesday night, boxer Manny Pacquiao knocked out Liberal Democrat leader Vince Cable in the middle of the Chamber.

Pacquiao, who had been speaking at the Union earlier that day, heard the bell ring to signal the start of the debate and reportedly punched the 75-year-old MP for Twickenham in the jaw, sending him reeling.

Cable, incensed, fought back, giving the boxer a stout push and screaming something about ‘showing him middle way’. However, Pacquiao, considered one of the greatest pound-for-pound boxers of all time, was quick to press this advantage. The Filipino – also a senator in his home country – continued to rain blows on the marginally less nimble Cable, eventually knocking him out.

When asked for comment, Union President Emily Milton admitted to having concerns about Pacquiao’s behaviour prior to the incident.

“In hindsight, we should have seen something was wrong when he walked in wearing a dressing gown, with AC/DC’s ‘Back in Black’ playing on the sound system. When he took the gown off, he was wearing nothing but a pair of gold shorts.

“I thought he was just getting in the zone for some verbal jousting, but there appears to have been a terrible misunderstanding.

“We did think it was odd when, instead of leaving the Chamber after the interview, Mr Pacquiao instead went and stood in the corner, where his agent then started squirting water in his face and rubbing Vaseline around his eyes.”

Surprisingly, the unexpected turn of events seem to have worked in the Union’s favour, with students queueing down Sidney Street to purchase Union membership.

In response to this, the Union has announced a raft of reforms, including ‘pay-per-view’ online streaming of events and a shift in emphasis from ‘free debate’ to ‘unrestrained violence’

Rumour has it that, after his first fight, Vince is now considering a career in mixed martial arts. Asked for comment, his publicist said: “Vince will absolutely take his fighting skills professional in the near future. After years of verbal jabs and fleet footed dodging of political accountability, we feel he’s ready to deliver some serious pain in the octagon.

“Branding is still a work in progress though – our working catchphrase is ‘You can’t stop the Cable Car’. Catchy, right?

“You don’t serve as leader of the Liberal Democrats without getting used to the feeling of being punched in the face. At least now Vince will be getting paid for it.”