Michaelmasochism
18th October 2017

Archbishop of Canterbury speaks out against same-sex college marriages

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The Archbishop has condemned the recent move by the Emmanuel College Students’ Union (ECSU) to permit same-sex college marriage.

“The news from Cambridge is astonishing, and demonstrates the sad decline of traditional values. I believe that college marriage is a sacred institution that should be as the Lord intended: between a man and a woman, both freshers,” Justin Welby said in his weekly sermon. “It is the bedrock of college society.”

ECSU’s decision and the subsequent response from the Archbishop have generated heated responses from student groups within Cambridge University.

“It is absolutely shocking that this sort of thing is still happening in the 21st century!” said Emily Milton, a spokeswoman for the Cambridge Inter-Collegiate Christian Union (CICCU). “It’s 2016! Have people still not learned that marriage is between a man and a woman? If freshers think it’s normal to marry other freshers of the same gender what will happen next? College fathers getting with college daughters at bops? College cousins feeling each other up in the chapel? It will be total anarchy.”

Marcus Atherton, a CICCU member from Fitzwilliam, echoed the Archbishop’s concerns. “It’s all in the Old Testament, from the oft-forgotten passage, Leviticus 18:23-5. I quote, ‘Thou shalt not lie with a man as with a woman, for it is an abomination. Thou shalt not pretend to marry a man at a place of learning, for that would be really weird.’”

Timothy Bainbridge, head of Computer Science at the University, also expressed his opposition to same-sex college marriages: “Without the social pressure of college marriages to force interaction with the opposite gender, I fear most of my undergrads won’t speak to a single woman during their time here.”

Other members of the University appeared more conflicted.

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with same-sex college marriages,” said Tara Lamp, who headed up CICCU’s recent ‪#‎nofilter‬ campaign. “I’m a forward-thinking Christian, and am always open to different viewpoints and beliefs. If you want to be eternally condemned to the fiery bowels of hell, well that’s your right as a free person in a liberal society.

“We pledged ‘no filter’ in our campaign this term but the same rules will not apply in Heaven, where God will filter out the gays immediately.”

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