25th September 2017

Cambridge to introduce ‘Welfare Dogging’ scheme to alleviate exam term stress

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The university has today announced a new scheme promoting public sexual activity as a way to relax during Easter term.

Head of student welfare, Cameron Bridgeworth, said: “Some colleges have tried bringing in cute dogs to help students wind down, but in the high stress environment of Easter term we thought this might not be enough. That’s why we want to encourage students to take up the relaxing activity of anonymous sex in public places.”

“Petting a labradoodle in college is fun, but petting a guy’s doodle in a car park is immensely preferable.”

Cambridge RAG have also partnered with the scheme. Those who wish to participate can fill out ‘Blind Dog’ forms in which they can list their personal details and sexual preferences. RAG president Tara Lamp, said: “Students can choose from a range of luxury locations including various car parks, underpasses and bus stops. And for students looking for a real experience, we even have some limited spaces for sex in Churchill College.”

Churchill officials appeared to welcome the idea, with publicity officer Horatio Dunlop saying: “It’s a win-win really. Doggers will be able to meet up in the seediest urban landscape possible and the college will no doubt enjoy a publicity boost. Tourists can now walk around Churchill and appreciate our vibrant extra-curricular profile which will range from football, to croquet, to sweaty anonymous threesomes.”

“We’ve dubbed the programme ‘Fifty Shades of Grey Concrete’.”

Meanwhile, Sainsbury’s have announced they will be offering special ‘Feel Deals’ for students, with reductions on items such as whipped cream, strawberries and meter-long baguettes. Sidney Street branch manager Emily Milton said: “Some parts of the shop will even be available for dogging and we’ve rigged the shop’s speakers to say ‘Unexpectedly big item in the shagging area’ just to give students a little confidence boost.”

“We’ll also be donating a fraction of all ‘Feel Deal’ profits to Doggers Trust, a nationwide charity that helps people from underprivileged backgrounds get access to free car park sex.”

A pilot scheme of the new initiative has received a good response from students. 2nd year classicist Marcus Atherton said: “Revision stress has been really overwhelming lately, but a half-hour orgy in the faculty museum really took the edge off. There may be no greater thrill in life than getting it on behind a statue of Hercules whilst Mary Beard is conducting a supervision just a few meters away.”

3rd year law student Helena Sleeve said: “Before the programme, I was on the phone to my mum in tears everyday. But now that I’m getting regular action behind the Van of Life, I’ve never been happier. My mum was delighted to hear the news!”