29th April 2017

Christian Union admits rock thrown through lecture hall window was part of new recruitment campaign

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The Cambridge Inter-Collegiate Christian Union has claimed responsibility for the rock thrown into a Cell and Developmental Biology lecture last week.

CICCU chairman Marcus Atherton said: “After a disappointingly muted response to our ‘Unexpected’ campaign, we’ve decided to try out some more unorthodox and dramatic tactics to win people over. What could be more impressive to non-believers than a completely unexplained rock smashing through a window at 9.30 in the morning? It’s probably the most ‘unexpected’ thing they’ll ever experience.

“We’ve tried edgy Instagram filters and handing out donuts outside lectures but people are still resistant to the grace of the Holy Spirit. It’s time to mix things up and we think our new ‘Lob a Rock’ campaign is going to be absolutely smashing – pun intended.”

Tara Lamp, who devised the new campaign, said: “The Bible says ‘let him who is without sin cast the first stone’ so we thought this campaign made perfect sense coming from us. From now on each of our rocks will be engraved with a bible verse, so people can be pelted with the teachings of Jesus in their day to day lives.

“And we’ll definitely continue aiming for science lecture theatres. Anyone who believes that a microscope can teach you more about the world than the book of Genesis needs all the help they can get.”

CICCU members have expressed their lack of concern about the potential risks of hitting people during the new campaign.

Third year Emily Milton, said: “A rock hitting you in the face really is a metaphor for God’s love, as you suddenly feel a warm tingling sensation, slight dizziness and blurred vision. I’m not sure massive blood loss is also part of the divine encounter but we’ll take it. Regardless of minor injuries, the campaign is going to be a huge success with no complaints whatsoever. After all, the people from Tuesday’s lecture absolutely loved it.”

When asked about the impending lawsuit from students and faculty members present at the lecture, Milton declined to comment.

In response to ‘Lob a Rock’, other societies have attempted to emulate CICCU’s ambitious plans by announcing campaigns of their own. Cambridge University’s Catholic Chaplaincy revealed yesterday that they will be teaming up with the university’s Spanish Society to promote a new program called ‘The Inquisition’. The campaign is billed as “a totally relaxed, fun and interactive introduction to our faith whilst also purging Cambridge of heretics.”