Vacation not a holiday
14th December 2017

George Osborne recommends Sugar Baby scheme as ideal replacement for maintenance grants

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In a highly anticipated speech, George Osborne today announced the creation of the Sugar Baby Financial Plan, which will help disadvantaged students attend university, after the abolishment of maintenance grants.

The chancellor said: “Those who claimed that scrapping grants would put poorer students off university will now have to eat their words. Hearing my proposals today, I am certain that aspirational young women up and down the country will be thrilled at the prospect of spending hours on end with libidinous octogenarians in exchange for vast wads of cash. We are saving the economy billions and sending more students into higher education than ever before.”

Osborne said that Cambridge, the university with the fourth highest number of Sugar Babies in the country, would be a role model for other universities as the scheme is rolled out across the UK.

He continued: “The Prime Minister and I are looking forward to giving outstanding female students a chance to really get their heads down.”

In an interview on BBC Radio 4, the chancellor also stressed his personal commitment to the plan. “As a multi-millionaire, I wanted to play my part as well. I’m already sponsoring three Murray Edwards students whose maintenance grants have been scrapped. Vanessa relishes my lectures on tax reform, Britney offers me sophisticated company at the theatre, and Samantha’s just great in bed.”

The Cambridge University Access Officer, Cameron Bridgeworth, praised the chancellor’s plans: “The new scheme represents a huge leap of progress for our students. Where once they were reliant on wealthy white men far away in Westminster to fund their degrees, now they are reliant on wealthy white men in Cambridge, with whom they can form close and lasting relationships.

“What is more, the new plans are in line with the University’s aims to welcome students from a wider range of ethnic and economic backgrounds. In fact, our research has shown that many of the sugar daddies are into that.”

David Cameron lent support to Osborne’s scheme in a statement released this afternoon: “Sadly, the reliable industry of coaxing women into relationships for money has largely been outsourced to emerging Asian powerhouses, especially Thailand. The Chancellor’s terrific plan will bring those valuable jobs back to Britain.”

He added: “What matters most is that this plan will help British women climb the ladder of opportunity. If men happen to look up their skirts as they climb, so be it.”

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