That terrible time of year is upon is. Over the next few days we will all say goodbye to the blissful Cambridge bubble and return home. Luckily The Porter’s Log has this handy guide for recreating the Cambridge experience at home during the grim summer ahead. Follow these easy steps and it’ll be like Week 5 all over again!
Swaps: Ignore everything you were ever taught about socially acceptable behaviour, put on a white blazer or football kit and head down to your local curry house. Order seven bottles of wine, down them in one and shout offensive slogans at people you don’t know on the tables next to you. Head home, vomit, cry. Easy peasy!
Bops: Invite loads of people you vaguely know and probably hate to your poorly-lit and sticky basement. Dance to your favourite S-Club tune, take sweaty selfies and maybe fling some poo!
Stash: Buy a white T-shirt and write your home address on the front and back. Wear it at every opportunity so people know where you come from and that it forms your entire identity!
Rowing: Get up at 5am, go outside and grab the shortest person you find. Plonk them at the end of your bathtub and force them to shout at you for three hours. Don’t forget to tell your family and friends about it for the rest of the day!
Formals: Wear a dressing gown to the kitchen and read out some latin. Sprinkle three or four nuts into a cereal bowl and drizzle with plenty of balsamic vinegar. Next, smash your face into a slice of cake. Tasty!
Colonial vibes: Go to Africa, steal an ancient monument like a bronze chicken that clearly doesn’t belong to you, take it home and keep it there for a few decades. Realise that that’s not cool, return it and act like a hero. Bonanza!