17th April 2024

James Cracknell in panic after realising Boat Race clashes with human evolution supervision


After realising that the Varsity Boat Race will be taking place on the same day as his human evolution supervision, MPhil student James Cracknell has been sent into a panic.

As the Boat Race nears, former-Olympian Cracknell faces the almost impossible task of declaring whether he will row on the Thames or deliver a 4-minute presentation on the significance of Charles Darwin’s voyage around South America.

“I can’t let them down. My teammates need me,” proclaimed Cracknell. “They’ll never be able to explain the intricacies of Galapagos Finches without me.”

Although the Boat Race represents the biggest sporting event of Cambridge’s calendar year; his Director of Studies, Marcus Atherton, urged him to consider the fallout of missing another supervision.

“Look, I know it’s an important race but an hour to really mull over ‘The Origin of Species’ would do him a world of good come the exam in June. I know James will make the right decision.”

Meanwhile the former Olympian, who presumably came to Cambridge to pursue a career in human evolution, cursed his scheduling.

“I’ve got a play in the ADC that evening as well. How can I fit that in and still make it to Cindies? I knew I’d taken on too much this term.”

Cracknell’s indecision has proved too much for many of the other rowers. The Cambridge cox was last week struck off the team following an expletive laden outbreak directed at the ex-professional.

“What the fuck. This is the Boat Race, has he gone completely mad? It’s not even a one-on-one supervision. And human evolution? Come o—”

Cambridge’s coach also admitted that Cracknell had put the future of rowing at risk after introducing the remaining members of the boat to the concept of a social life.