Michaelmasochism
18th November 2017

Julian Huppert to host club night at Cambridge Junction in bid to win student votes

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The Lib Dem candidate for Cambridge has announced he will throw a one-off event ahead of the general election in June.

Standing on the steps of Senate House in a yellow Adidas tracksuit, Huppert told a crowd: “We want students to understand what radical centrist really means. It doesn’t mean we’re on the fence, it means we’re hip, we’re edgy, and we’re ready to show what our political PARTY is all about.”

“Get excited for the line-up as we’ll be in a strong coalition with some of Cambridge’s top rap and grime artists all night. Plus expect a special appearance from Tim Farron himself, who’ll be performing his Carly Rae Jepsen cover ‘Smell My Spaniel Maybe’.”

Despite promises of “heavy beats and long term solutions” and a night of “dropping the bass like barriers to trade”, Huppert’s campaign has got off to a shaky start with reports that he has accidentally booked ‘Big Pastie’, the 90’s pub darts sensation, instead of local favourite Big Narstie. The former Clare fellow has also faced criticism on social media as ticket prices for the event were raised from £3 to £9 today, despite promises to the contrary.

Labour candidate Daniel Zeichner was quick to respond to his rival’s announcement and promised an even bigger night out for students, saying: “We’ve had enough of the Lib Dems’ meaningless pledges, only Labour can provide a club night that’s fair for all. We’re going to have Theresa May’s speeches played on loop on a big screen and drink every time she says ‘strong and stable’. Trust me, it’ll get messy fast.”

The MP for Cambridge hailed the event as a good opportunity to introduce students to his political stances: “In line with our policy on trident, we will not be serving jaegerbombs on the night. Instead we’ll be offering a new drink, the unilateral-disarmamartini.”

However, the Labour event has struggled to gain traction as rumours persist that Zeichner has been forced by leader Jeremy Corbyn to move the event from Cindies to Revolution. Concerns have also been raised about security at the event, after Diane Abbott reportedly budgeted £3 for the hiring of ten bouncers.

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