Vacation not a holiday
14th December 2017

King’s College Provost slaughters cattle ‘to help Zero Carbon Campaign’

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Cameron Bridgeworth, the Provost of King’s College, claims he killed two cows on the College Backs in order to stop them polluting the environment.

Bridgeworth reportedly burst into the Servery today at lunchtime, where students were eating steak, and shouted: “We’ve made great progress for the environment everyone… I’ve just shot these two bastards!”

He then held up the severed heads of two Highland cows, normally seen grazing on the College Backs.

“No more methane from them, methinks!”, he is reported to have screamed.

The incident comes after the revelation that King’s and other colleges have invested millions in companies such as Shell and Exxon.

A King’s College spokeswoman said: “The Provost’s decisive action marks real, tangible progress on a real, tangible issue. For years we have kept those cows alive and the Provost clearly realised it was ethically inexcusable to do so.”

She claimed the Provost was solely motivated by environmental concerns, dismissing numerous reports that he had been angrily mumbling about the cows for weeks.

King’s student Marcus Atherton said he saw Bridgeworth taking pot shots at the cows this morning, from his office which looks directly onto the Backs.

“The next thing I knew he was striding out across the lawn with a service revolver. He walked up to the cows and shot each one in the middle of the forehead, before dancing up and down and proclaiming: ‘That will teach you to moo you f**ing bovine c**ts!’”

The carcasses were removed within hours, but not before tourists, apparently unaware of the upturned cows, had uploaded hundreds of photos of the Backs to social media with hashtags such as #idyllic and #Cambridgeisperfect.

The Zero Carbon Campaign released a statement via Facebook Live, condemning the Provost’s conduct. “This is too little too late from King’s College. We want King’s to commit to massacring all the cows in Cambridge. In fact, all the cows in Cambridgeshire.

“Frankly, unless this animal genocide is taken to a new level, we won’t be satisfied and the planet will continue to suffer.”

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