21st March 2023

Landmines to be installed to keep students off grass


The University is taking new measures to keep students off the grass by drafting in a team of military specialists to plant landmines under college courts.

Agrostis palustris, known to students as ‘grass’, is a highly endangered plant species across the British Isles, covering just 85% of the landmass.

Chief Botanist Professor Green said: “Whilst many assume that research and education are the priorities at Cambridge, in reality our most important public service is to maintain aesthetically pleasing plots of grass.”

The trial of the landmine deterrent system last term was heralded as a great success by the University, which reported only 12 fatalities, excluding tourists.

After the widely reported explosion of Selwyn fresher Steph Tongrass in May, the University accepted that it might have been wise to inform students about the trial of the new scheme.

University spokesman Cameron Bridgeworth said: “We are very excited about the pristine quality of grass we will now be able to maintain. We hope visitors will be as blown away by it as we are.”

Cambridge is home to the rare subspecies ‘green grass’ whereas Oxford maintains its own variety of ‘greener grass’. This is the origin of the phrase ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’.