Michaelmasochism
18th October 2017

New access scheme allows bankrupt Boris Becker to attend Cambridge Union

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It has been revealed that Boris Becker, who was declared bankrupt in June, was invited to give yesterday’s talk after qualifying for the Union’s scheme for disadvantaged people.

Union President Emily Milton said: “We are proud that the Union+ scheme is already making a difference. Mr Becker ticks all our access boxes: English isn’t his first language, he’s almost penniless, and he has debts that he’ll never manage to pay off. If we hadn’t reached out, he might never have been able to afford to come to the Union.”

She continued: “Hosting Boris Becker is exactly what Union+ is all about: giving food and shelter to a potentially homeless man without compromising standards for our members.”

Becker, who has mounting debts totalling £50 million, was late to the event, claiming he was delayed at lunch. A staff member at Nanna Mexico on Petty Cury said: “The food was served on time, but the man and his wife spent forty minutes stuffing as much of it as they could into doggy bags. I was slightly embarrassed but it wasn’t as bad as last term, when Katie Hopkins threw a burrito at my head.”

The Union awarded Becker with honorary membership after his talk. Becker told the audience: “It is a real privilege to have been invited to an institution which has historically done so much for financially disadvantaged people, or as I believe you call them here, ‘non-Union members’. I am deeply indebted to the Access Officers, and also to several banks, property developers and PR firms across the world.”

Access Officer Timothy Bainbridge said: “Mr Becker’s honorary membership is entirely free and he can now watch screenings of the Bake Off whenever he wants. If giving a former millionaire tennis legend free membership isn’t a triumph for wider access, then I don’t know what is.”

However, attendees have taken to social media today, criticising the Union for failing to give more help to the tennis star. Steven Parsley tweeted: “Was just offered a Big Issue by Boris Becker outside Sainsbury’s. What’s going on #Union?!” And Marcus Atherton posted: “Was at the Union earlier and just saw Boris Becker playing Mr Tambourine Man in a bin on King’s parade.”

 

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