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20th August 2017

Cambridge best university in the galaxy, new league table reveals

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The University of Cambridge is the best place to study on this side of the Milky Way, an independent body has found.

Cambridge Über Alles Institute ranked Cambridge top of all known universities in a one hundred thousand light year radius. Elsewhere, Oxford came 807th, down six from last year.

The team’s experienced rankers said they were impressed by the high levels of institutionalised elitism and sexism they found while conducting their research into Cambridge. The university also boasts the highest spending Vice Chancellor in the UK which meant it is “surely the best”.

Cambridge University spokesman Cameron Bridgeworth said: “We can now conclusively say something that we have all been thinking for a very long time: everyone else is worse than us.”

Students responded well to the news. Second-year medic Emily Milton said: “I’ve got 8 exams coming up, I’m malnourished and several of my friends have intermitted, but the confirmation that I go to the best university possible makes it totally worth it. Now I can go into my routine of pulling three all-nighters in a row with my head held high.”

Third-year history student Tara Lamp said: “I was sceptical when they announced yet another tuition fee rise this year, but now it’s clear that £9250 a year is an absolute bargain. When I finish paying off my student loan forty years from now, I know I’ll appreciate that I got my money’s worth.”

As festivities spilled out onto the gold-paved streets last night, Professor Marcus Atherton of Peterhouse said: “It feels great to beat Oxford. Those guys are elitist scum”.