theporterslog@gmail.com
25th September 2022

The Porter’s Log template cover letter

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Concerned about the future? Struggling to attract employers’ notice? Or perhaps just bricking it at the prospect of having to function outside the Cambridge Bubble?

Well, fear not, finalists – just use this handy template, courtesy of the Porter’s Log, to help you craft a successful cover letter!

Dear [Sir / Employer / Mum]

I am writing to ask to be considered for a position in your [insert sell-out London-based graduate scheme in consulting / law / the City here].

I have always been [passionate / interested / indifferent / horny] about this field, and I believe I have the skills and experience to be highly successful at [insert firm pretending to be concerned about diversity and the environment here].

Academically, my performance demonstrates the [exceptional work ethic / blind luck / lack of social life] which I would bring to this position. I would also like to take this opportunity to brag shamelessly about my grades, whilst name-dropping Cambridge and failing to sound humble.

As well as highly arcane knowledge with no real-world application, my degree has taught me a set of key skills transferable to [insert specific office-based mind-numbing workplace here]. I am skilled at [meeting / negotiating / missing] deadlines, can grasp [new concepts / how to get by doing the least work] quickly, and I reference like a champion. Additionally, balancing my academics with a range of other commitments has enabled me to develop a [healthy/ efficient / non-sleep-based] ability to manage my time.

These other commitments make me highly suitable for this position. My ability to make decisions under pressure, perfected on Tinder, is second to none. Furthermore, I [actively participate in / attended once / know of] the Cambridge Union, while my commitment to waking at 6am and jumping into a small boat on a cold river demonstrates I have just the sociopathic tendencies needed for a high-pressure [Magic Circle / Bulge Bracket] job. However, I am most proud of my writing work for the Violet section of Varsity, particularly my article Does RumourBridge Perpetuate a Cycle of Fake News?

Attached is a list of previous work experience. These positions which I [successfully applied for / asked my uncle to sort for me / lobbied my private school friends’ parents for] have given me vital experience in this field.

I look forward to your [reply / rejection letter / utter indifference].

Yours faithfully,

A desperate and panicked third year.

And remember: if all else fails, there’s always the management fourth year!