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16th May 2022

Sainsbury’s meal deal emerges as late contender in CUSU Presidential Election

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A major upset is rumoured to be on the cards in CUSU’s Presidential Election after a Sainsbury’s meal deal emerged as a late third candidate for the role.

The meal deal, which consists of a Red Leicester ploughman’s sandwich, a bag of Doritos, and a bottle of Pepsi, is believed to have an edge over rivals Shadab Ahmed and Edward Parker Humphreys owing to the ‘bold and innovative’ pledges set out in its manifesto.

Among the key commitments of the meal deal’s campaign are pledges to guarantee sunny weather and temperatures of at least 18℃ all year round, to bid for the CUSU lounge to host the Summer Olympics in 2032, and to replace Stephen Toope with Mr Blobby as Vice-Chancellor.

The manifesto also includes more radical suggestions, such as reducing intercollegiate inequality by demolishing Trinity College to build a large theme park, ‘Trinity World of Adventures’, as well as introducing a sponsored intercollegiate Fellows’ Hunger Games in Lent Term to raise funds for the Student Union.

Although voting has already been open for two days, the meal deal – an unprecedently late entrant into the race for the CUSU premiership – has been tipped by many punters to pull off a surprise victory.

Indeed, the meal deal has already received a number of notable endorsements, including Noel Edmonds, Sarah Palin, and Howard, the store manager at the Sidney Street branch of Sainsbury’s. Furthermore, in what would be a major blow to one of the meal deal’s rivals, Edward Parker Humphreys’ distinctive red, white, and blue horizontal-striped coat is rumoured to have defected to support the meal deal’s campaign.

“Edward’s campaign would be nothing without me,” the coat, which is rumoured to be based on the Netherlands’ flag in a nod to Parker Humphreys’ complete lack of Dutch heritage, has declared. “If he ever had to take me off, the whole world would find out that Lord Voldemort’s face actually lives in his upper back.”

When approached for comment, Shadab Ahmed – running for a second year as a CUSU Sabbatical Officer – swiftly tried to conceal his copy of Getting a Proper Job for Dummies under his desk.

“I’m not worried about the meal deal’s campaign,” asserted Ahmed, his eyes darting frantically around the room. “I still believe that my experience gives me an edge.”

“By the way, would it be okay if I added you to my professional network on LinkedIn?”

Campaigning has not been entirely straightforward for the meal deal, however. Being an inanimate object, it has been unable to answer any questions in hustings, and there have also been allegations from some pundits that it is past its sell-by.

Voting in the CUSU elections will be open until 5pm on Friday 8 March, and students can cast their vote by opening the following link: bit.ly/2H3Kxgr.