25th September 2017

Sidney Sussex responds to Christian fundamentalist scandal by offering to host ISIS

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Following criticism earlier this week for hosting a conference by ‘Christian Concern,’ an allegedly homophobic and islamophobic pressure group, Sidney Sussex College has sought to calm growing tensions by inviting ISIS to hold a week-long conversion course.

In a statement, Steven Parsley, the college’s Senior Tutor, said: “Sidney Sussex is a big family with a proud track record of being inclusive, open-minded and balanced, so we recognise the mistake we made in only hosting a single group of fundamentalists. We hope that by inviting ISIS we can redress the balance.”

He added: “Whether you think gay people should be cured or stoned, there will now be something for everyone on offer at Sidney, and student life is all the richer for it.”

ISIS Caliph, Marcus Ba’atherton, welcomed the news. “It’s really heart-warming to see Sidney Sussex College take such a modern approach. In these times when the right to free speech is increasingly under threat, we are looking forward to having a place to safely promote death to infidels and the expansion of our Caliphate, all within a stone’s throw from Sainsbury’s.”

Ba’atherton said the week-long conversion course would be tailor made for Cambridge students, featuring talks such as ‘Beheading and Veganism’ and ‘Isn’t Van of Life Great? (Death to America)’.

According to Steven Parsley, Sidney is also planning to host a wider range of fundamentalists. Britain First has been invited to hire out the buttery and Boko Haram have been in touch to talk about a potential Reading Week.

“We had hoped to secure Katie Hopkins as a speaker, but her agent informed us that the Union had booked her for the next six months.”